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I was talking to my friend the other day who’s husband is away on a ship about her car troubles and she told me about ‘deployment curse’. I have never heard of the term before but I can tell you first hand it’s 100% true and any military wife will agree. In fact any wife period will agree. If things can go wrong, they will go wrong while your husband is away.
Jason often travels for work and our garage door, which never fails otherwise always stops working as soon as he boards the plane. It is annoying and inconvinient but I can totally fix it. Except I don’t know where he keeps the WD40 and I always end up pouring olive oil in the railings to close the door in the morning so we can leave the house. Honestly I should just buy my own stash of WD40. Or a new house.
But this morning Murphy took the law to a whole new level. I was woken up by a loud and piercing sound of the alarm. I hit the snooze button but the sound was still there. It was like the smoke alarm that annoys you when you burn the toast only hundred times worse. I stumbled downstairs, following the noise and discovered it is coming from our Carbon monoxide detector. The thoughts that went through my head were utterly unreasonable: it must be the battery. But why is it plugged in the wall if it runs on battery? Check the C0 level: 0. Why is it still beeping? Check the stove: nope, gas is not on. Are the dogs farting and setting it off? Do we have gas anywhere else? OK, unplug it and check the instructions. And as I did that the alarm went bananas! I am convinced that we woke up our entire neighborhood plus some households in Canada too. I didn’t even know a small thing like that could make so much noise. Like a baby!
Julian came down running and demanded we evacuate. His exact words were: Mom let’s go, Forest BC says we must leave the house immediately and call 911. I thought Forest said life was like a box of chocolates but Julian was adamant so I decided to trust him and Gump. We grabbed our jackets and went outside and I called 911. I told her our address and that our alarm won’t quit and she told me to leave the house immediately as she has dispatched the fire department already. I gathered the dogs and we waited outside our house for the fire engine to arrive.
Perhaps it was too early or too dark or it’s a uniform thing but I swear Fire Department send me the most handsome firemen. Which would have been fantastic if it wasn’t for my dreadful hair, unbrushed teeth and stripey Christmas pajamas. Not to mention that I disturbed their morning coffee by calling them to rescue a dead battery out of my Carbon Monoxide alarm. They gave me the all clear and although I couldn’t stop apologizing they assured me we did the right thing. We got back inside and even managed to get to school in time. Maybe we should do fire drills every morning, it really was the fastest we ever got ready for school.
I was very proud of Julian, how calm and reasonable he stayed and how he followed the evacuation drill just as he practiced with daddy many times before. It truly makes a difference between life and death if our kids are prepared. Also special thanks to Victoria BC radio station that we listen to in the car; turns out it is the Fortis BC commercial about what to do in case of gas leak that taught my son what to do. Who knew?
When daddy is away TV is on play.
It has become a bit of a ritual for Little J and I. In the evening, before bedtime we snuggle up and watch a documentary. We are not really TV watchers, specially me. So I guess it feels extra special for my son to lounge on the couch tucked under a blanket with me. Because we watched some documentaries on wildlife in Alaska Netflix suggested we might like ‘Out of the wild’ series. We watched the first season where they dropped some folks off in Alaska to fend for themselves and I am pleased to report my six year old had better ideas on how to find food and shelter then most of those adults. Yesterday we finished watching the second. I am not sure how educational it is for my son to watch a show with a bunch of people struggling to survive and hike out of the wilderness of Venezuela but hey, we like it.
As they finally made it to civilization the survivors were greeted by their families and friends. Little J noticed how the tough guys were hugging their moms and he told me I will always be his mommy, no matter how old he is and how long he can survive in the wild. It made my day.
We started talking about children and he announced he will have two.
Me: Why two?
Little J: Cause it’s a fair and share number. Also they will have each other to play with so they won’t bug me like I always bug you.
Me: I like playing with you.
Little J: I know, but I will probably be too busy when I have kids.
Me: I am very busy too. But you can never be too busy you know.
Little J: Also I will not buy them more then 11 toys. I sure don’t want to spend too much time tidying them up.
Me: What are you taking about? You never tidy toys now. I clean up all the LEGOs all the time.
Little J: Exactly. No way I am doing that!
Me: Oh really? What else will you do differently with your kids?
Little J: I will make them play outside in the garden every day. So I can have some peace and quiet.
Me: I see.
Little J: And I will teach them how to survive in the wild. Just in case.
Me: In case of what?
Little J: I want to go on vacation with my wife.
Me: Well that’s what grandmas are for. I can help you with your kids so that you can go on vacation.
Little J: Nah. Cause I will come to see you on my vacation.
My grandkids might be hunting their own food in the forest but my son will be my baby forever. I love my kid.
We are in the midst of a major crisis.
In fact I think it is safe to say I have unwillingly entered midlife crisis. Due to no fault of my own, specially since I am barely in my thirties. I planned well and knew this would happen once I have a teen living in my house but seeing how I had my son in my twenties ( last month of my twenties, but it counts) it was all going to align perfectly. Stop calculating my age and pay attention please.
This all started innocently enough. A few months ago Little J drew a big, fancy X and stuck that paper onto his door. Apparently we were to enter his bedroom by invitation only. A bit strange for a five year old, but I can live with it. Then he started questioning the meaning of life. He kept saying he wished he was never born because we will all die anyway so why bother. Rather odd kind of suffering for someone at such tender age, but I am sure he is not the first. Then he decided he can do absolutely everything all on his own. Which is all very well except we are always running late and this pushed us from fashionably to extremely late. After that he proclaimed he is becoming a vegetarian. Next followed more darkness and gloom that is his life. If you ask him what is wrong he says nothing. Except he knows for a fact that there is no happiness in his future…
Few weeks ago he told me all he wants to do is stay in bed and do nothing all day. Now if that is not a teen thing to do nothing is. I panicked. Then my husband and I sat down and pondered. We decided we will give him a day off where he can stay in his pajamas and do absolutely nothing at all. We were convinced that he will see how utterly boring this is and never ask for it again. Unfortunately ‘day off’ was a huge success. For the record my son does nothing on most days, only difference he does it wearing clothes and outdoors. So really I am still stumped by this overwhelming need to rest from doing mostly nothing in his life anyway.
But then it happened. He woke up one Tuesday and said MOM. Then again. And again. Then he called daddy DAD. And ever since we have been addressed as MOM and DAD. No more mommy or daddy. Nothing. Just Mom. With a big sharp cut off. No cuteness in his voice, not even when he is negotiating his next day off. I am now officially known as Mom.
I am in shambles. At any given moment you will spot me in the corner eating Nutella out of the jar with a large spoon. Or looking at old photographs wondering where it all went so wrong. Or ignoring my teenage son calling me mom. Seriously I cannot be a mom yet. I am not ready!!!
As a last resort I have decided not to teach Little J how to tie his shoelaces. So he can either get a job like all other teenagers and buy himself slip on shoes or he will forever depend on me. Who’s your mommy now?!