Category Archives: The Not so good life

The Grind

At the Starbucks, today:

Me, holding a bag of whole bean coffee.

Young barista, with a big smile on his face.

Me: Hi, could you please *blink* *blink*…

Barista: You want to get this coffee?

Me: Yes and could you please…

Barista: Yes?

Me: I am sorry, I cannot remember the word for it. You know, that thing you do so I can have coffee.

Barista: You mean brew?

Me: No, between brewing and this bag, you know, you have to do it. There is a word for it but I am drawing a blank.

Barista: You want to pay for it?

Me: Yes, off course. But before I take it home you must do something with your machine that will help me use it. It’s not roast, but similar.

Barista: This coffee is already roasted.

Me: I know, I know. Freshly roasted. And packed. Says so on the bag. But then you open that cupboard and you put the beans in and voilà…

Barista: Are you French?

Me: No, I was born in Slovenia.

Barista: How long are you visiting Washington?

Me: I am not visiting. I live here. I am just old and cannot remember the word, OK?

Barista: Well that will be $15.98.

Me: OK. But before I go, can you turn these beans into powder so I can use it in my espresso machine. Please??????

Barista: Sure, I would be happy to grind them for you.

Me, thinking: GRIND!!! TristokosmatihzajebanihGRINDdatejebem!!

Also posted in The good life | Tagged , , , , , | 35 Comments

What hurts the most

I don’t cry often.

But lately I have been a bit sad. I even locked myself in the wardrobe the other day and hid under my tweed. Only for a minute, but it hurt. Specially cause I am the only cause.

My son has been pressing hard lately. Asking for a brother. He will even settle for a sister. If it is a boy, he will name him James. Girl? Maybe Sarah. No, he does not mind sharing the toys. Sure his brother can stay in his room. Yes, he understands that it would take time before his brother is born. Even longer before he is old enough to play with him. No, he has no problem sharing me with him. He will even help with diapers and stuff. Yes, he understands I have to talk to Daddy about it. He will talk to him about it when he comes back from work too…

In the beginning it was adorable. Then it became overwhelming. Now it just serves as a reminder how selfish I am.

I am not going to tell you a million reasons why I feel we made the right choice in having only one child. I will not pretend there is a single reason we should not have another one. I am fine with our decision and have never been afraid to voice it. Until now.

How do I brake my son’s heart? How do I tell him that for me he is all I ever wanted, ever dreamed of? How do I explain to him that even though I can promise to talk to Daddy about it I know our minds are made up. Not because we are stubborn, or unable, or not willing to give him the gift he so much desires. Only because to us our family is perfect just the way it is.

Does this make me selfish? For the first time in my life I think so.

 

 

Tagged , , , | 60 Comments

Whale song

Living in the Sound, my son’s love for whales comes as no surprise.

At any given day a pod of orcas will be spotted on the left side of our island and in spring greys feed on the right. Little J knows all about whales. He shares his bed with Bill the blue whale, Tim the orca and Boris the sperm whale. We talk about them a lot, borrow books from the library and sometimes watch documentaries.

Instead of Super Bowl we watched A life among whales. It started so beautifully and Little J was mesmerized. Then they showed whales being harpooned, bleeding, dragged onto the decks, de skinned, still gasping for air. The mommy in me wanted to switch it off so bad. But he was staring in amazement asking me only WHY?

I tried to explain. But frankly I could not. I am 34 years old and I still don’t understand why humans can hurt each other. Why we destroy environment, what makes us act so superior to other species. And for the first time ever I saw this deep shame and remorse on my son’s face. And concern. He said we should save the whales. And I agreed.

I was filled with hope. Because children are by nature selfish and the day your own shows care for something other then what directly impacts his everyday existence, magic happens. All of the sudden I feel like a child again too. As if my voice matters, I feel like right now there is something wrong and I can fix it. I just know I can.

Whatever the cause you are supporting, thank you. For all you running for cure, talking about your own abuse to help others, raising money for poverty stricken countries, recycling paper and plastic, bringing up bright children, adopting a puppy. Thank you.

Because change comes from one and adds to many. My son posed for Tails for whales. It is his first step to changing the world. What will be yours?

Do not download.

Also posted in The good life | Tagged , , , , , , | 18 Comments