If you come across a grumpy tooth fairy sitting in a bar with messy hair, unbrushed teeth, slumped down wings on her 13th drink contemplating pawning her wand to get more please tell her I am so, so sorry.
My son has probably driven her to the edge. In all these years with all these teeth, shelling out money left, right and center I bet tooth fairy has never come across a kid like mine. A hoarder. Or perhaps the nicer way to call him is a collector. You know the kind of guy that just cannot part with stuff. I told you all about his hoarding ways a while ago. He just can’t seem to let go. But he really outdid himself when it comes to his teeth.
Before you panic he is not gluing his lost teeth back into his mouth. At least not that I know of. He is simply refusing to give them up. I should have known but foolishly I played along with his first tooth last year. He was so happy he lost it and I told him to put it under the pillow. Naturally he protested about tooth fairy being real but he told me his dentist confided in him that it was really him that replaced the tooth with the money. OK, because a 40 year old dude roaming around the neighborhoods taking children’s teeth in the middle of the night is less freaky then a fairy how?! But I wasn’t going to argue. I stayed up late to make sure he was fast asleep and went looking for the tooth. It took me what seemed forever looking for the darn thing. Every time Julian took a breath or moved I thought I was busted. Whoever came up with this whole tooth fairy thing was either an idiot or a glutton for punishment. The whole point of children going to sleep is so that you don’t see them until morning. That way you can watch Criminal minds or eat too much chocolate and make love to your husband. You know, adult time. Not roam around your child’s room spending hard earned money on bone matter that their body discarded and poking around finding it waking the kid up in the process.
Needless to say I finally gave up and left the dollar and the letter about ‘way to go and don’t forget to floss cause us fairies don’t pay for loss of permanent teeth’. Which I know would totally be bullocks if it was indeed the dentist who came by cause they love nothing more then to put those crowns in your mouth so they can buy a new Porsche. The next morning Julian informed me he got the money. I was faking happiness and all as he informed me that he pulled one over the fairy dentist since his tooth is still in his hiding place. Awesome. My son is hoarding his teeth.
Next tooth he lost I had a clear dilemma. Do I give him the money or not? The tooth was nowhere to be found. Wherever Julian’s hiding spot for teeth is I could not locate it. So I gave him a dollar and a letter saying ‘way to go and don’t forget to floss and this is the last time I am leaving you cash cause you never leave me your tooth and rules are rules’. He woke up the next morning and was pleased about the money but didn’t seem bothered about the prospect of never getting it again: It’s just money mom. I can earn double that when I grow up. But I can never get my baby teeth back.
As freaky as that is I guess it makes sense. I mean not to me cause I hate things. I get rid of things. If the fairy stint worked I would have collected his teeth and tossed them in the compost. Ashes to ashes, teeth to soil or something like that. But now I have 4 teeth hiding somewhere in the house. I sure hope he brushed them before he stashed them!
For the record he has been pen paling with fairy dentist. This was his latest letter upon loosing tooth number 4:
it is in the pink box but please do not take it, it is an antique and if you dare the vulture droid will attack you.
PS love Julian, dear dentist.
Well he might be threatening him but at least he has manners. That’s my boy!