What hurts the most

I don’t cry often.

But lately I have been a bit sad. I even locked myself in the wardrobe the other day and hid under my tweed. Only for a minute, but it hurt. Specially cause I am the only cause.

My son has been pressing hard lately. Asking for a brother. He will even settle for a sister. If it is a boy, he will name him James. Girl? Maybe Sarah. No, he does not mind sharing the toys. Sure his brother can stay in his room. Yes, he understands that it would take time before his brother is born. Even longer before he is old enough to play with him. No, he has no problem sharing me with him. He will even help with diapers and stuff. Yes, he understands I have to talk to Daddy about it. He will talk to him about it when he comes back from work too…

In the beginning it was adorable. Then it became overwhelming. Now it just serves as a reminder how selfish I am.

I am not going to tell you a million reasons why I feel we made the right choice in having only one child. I will not pretend there is a single reason we should not have another one. I am fine with our decision and have never been afraid to voice it. Until now.

How do I brake my son’s heart? How do I tell him that for me he is all I ever wanted, ever dreamed of? How do I explain to him that even though I can promise to talk to Daddy about it I know our minds are made up. Not because we are stubborn, or unable, or not willing to give him the gift he so much desires. Only because to us our family is perfect just the way it is.

Does this make me selfish? For the first time in my life I think so.

 

 

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60 Comments

  1. Posted February 29, 2012 at 19:57 by Tiaras & Tantrums | Permalink

    I think you said it perfectly right here – your little family is already complete!
    Tiaras & Tantrums recently posted..Scavenger Hunt Sunday

  2. Posted February 29, 2012 at 20:08 by Sarcasm Goddess | Permalink

    I feel unqualified to give you advice since I do not have children and can’t really relate to your situation, but I really don’t think that makes you selfish. You and your husband are doing what’s best for your family and I think your son will understand that when he gets old enough.
    Sarcasm Goddess recently posted..It’s Like the Oscars, But Better

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 00:12 by Stasha | Permalink

      It is not advice, but a friends encouragement and you are wonderful at it. We have so much in common, like ketchup aversion!
      You are right, in years I think he will understand. In the mean time I am starting negotiations about the fish tank…

  3. Posted February 29, 2012 at 20:09 by Lenore | Permalink

    Twitter:
    Oh Stasha, your decision to have more children or not have more children doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you smart. You know what you have is good. You are content and appreciate what you have. There is no shame in wanting to ‘stop’. I know… get another dog! (smile)

    Hugs, my friend.
    Lenore recently posted..Project 366: Day 60

    • Posted February 29, 2012 at 23:54 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you so much my friend! We are currently negotiating a fish tank. I suggested another dog but my son said that he has all the slobber he can handle. To be continued.
      And thank you for listening to me, sometimes that and ice cream is all a girl needs to cheer up xo

  4. Posted February 29, 2012 at 21:14 by RedHeaded StepChild via Facebook | Permalink

    Aww, Stash… If you are being selfish, it’s ok. You and Jason have to make the best decisions for your family. And you’ve done that. Being the bearer of unwelcome news is sometimes an unnerving aspect of parenthood. Julian is treasured; it doesn’t get any better than that. :)

  5. Posted February 29, 2012 at 21:16 by [email protected] | Permalink

    Twitter:
    Oh sweetie. I don’t know what advice to offer you. I don’t think it’s selfish. You and your husband have your reasons, and Little J will one day understand. Not now, but in a couple of years perhaps. And he too will see that your family is perfect as it is.
    [email protected] recently posted..The Parent Du Jour

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 00:06 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Alison. I thing that is the biggest struggle, I think he is too young right now for me to explain to him my choice.
      Funny, I was an only child and all I ever wanted was a dog… Maybe I should have waited till later to get Big M :)

  6. Posted February 29, 2012 at 21:27 by Ally | Permalink

    Twitter:
    Not selfish at all. You are smart enough, confident enough to know that you are perfectly happy with what you have. I have only one, and like you, our family is complete. It was a choice, and I’m perfectly fine with it. But there’s no right or wrong on the number. It’s just what works for us!
    Ally recently posted..SPLASH! But Not On Me

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 00:08 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Ally. I struggled posting this but it poured out literary after a couple of weeks of him nagging me for a brother. I hope it is just a faze. But yes, I am certain this is what I was hoping my family would be like. Number is differerent for each of us, you are right!

  7. Posted February 29, 2012 at 22:17 by Aramelle {One Wheele | Permalink

    I would say that the fact that you are so torn by how to handle this with your little one is the prime example of how selfless you’re being in this situation.

    We, too, have decided that our family is complete with just one. I know that it isn’t a decision that is made lightly, and I admire you for knowing that you have made the decision that is best for your family. Some day, he will understand that. At least, that’s what I tell myself when I contemplate similar conversations in our future.
    Aramelle {One Wheele recently posted..Grandma’s Lessons

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 00:10 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you so much for your encouragement. Everybody dreads the birds and the bees talk, but I find these topic to be the hardest one for me to tackle with my son.
      Lovely to ‘meet’ you. Your family is beautiful.

  8. Posted February 29, 2012 at 23:01 by North West Mommy via Facebook | Permalink

    Thank you RedHeaded StepChild . Means so much xo

  9. Posted March 1, 2012 at 03:22 by Mark | Permalink

    Twitter:
    My hope is that he is going through a phase that will pass quickly. If you want, you all can visit me and once he sees the total chaos of having many siblings, he just might change his mind.
    Your Friend, m.
    p.s. Personally, I love my chaos.
    Mark recently posted..My Life in Girl Scout Cookie Hell!

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:17 by Stasha | Permalink

      My neighbor is expecting her 7th and her house is one of my favorite places on Earth. I was an only child and most of my friends were too so I never knew of families with many children. Once we moved to US I met many and realized what gift and fun it is to grow up surrounded by siblings. Your home seems like one fun chaos ( that always looks so tidy!).

  10. Posted March 1, 2012 at 03:51 by Katie E | Permalink

    Twitter:
    I think most kids go through that stage – and I think it happens no matter how many kids you have. I think the youngest will always go through a phase where they want a baby. But he’ll move past it. And it’s not selfish of you and your husband at all. You’re lucky that the two of you are in agreement that your family’s complete – that’s pretty special. But I know it’s hard to not give our kids what they want. I hope it improves soon, Stasha.
    Katie E recently posted..Sleepover Fun #iPPP

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:29 by Stasha | Permalink

      I never thought about it but you really opened my eyes. There is always a baby of the family and a yearning not to be the one. Thank you Katie x

  11. Posted March 1, 2012 at 04:48 by gin | Permalink

    Twitter:
    Hi Stasha!
    I so appreciate this post; because we are kind of in the same boat. However, it’s friends/family/society who are pressuring us instead of our son. It makes me think maybe we’re making the wrong decision; like we’re “less than” because we’re only having one. But, we feel complete. We are good. But it still hurts and I know that when the time comes, we’ll have to go through it again when our little guy starts asking questions.
    Thank you for your honesty; you make me feel not so alone!
    gin recently posted..Do I Hover? (PYHO)

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:11 by Stasha | Permalink

      I have noticed mine is the only one at preschool drop off that has no sibling. It must be strange for our kids to be different at their age. I am very confident about our choice among my peers and family, but I never expected my son to have such a strong opinion. We will be OK Gin, just need to stop with the mommy guilt I guess.

  12. Posted March 1, 2012 at 05:06 by [email protected] | Permalink

    I don’t think it’s selfish. You have your personal reasons as to your family size, and having a family that is just right for you is a gift to him, whether he realizes it at this young age or not.
    [email protected] recently posted..Sculpt

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:35 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Angela. I adore the Sculpt post you have published. I could not have read it at a better time.

  13. Posted March 1, 2012 at 05:46 by Twisted Domestic Goddess | Permalink

    As someone heading up a large family I will be one of the first to say you are ABOLUTELY NOT selfish!!! You said it your son is everything you could imagine! It takes all sizes of families to make up this world!

    He will get past this at some point. I know it’s hard right now but if you and your husband feel your family is perfect as it is,that’s all that matters!

    Love you my dear friend and you’re such an awesome momma!Let’s hope this is just a phase of Li’l J’s.
    Twisted Domestic Goddess recently posted..How to Embarrass and Mortify your 10 year old in 2.0 Seconds Flat

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:18 by Stasha | Permalink

      Love it Wendy: It takes all sizes of families to make up this world! You always say the loveliest things!! x

  14. Posted March 1, 2012 at 06:05 by christina | Permalink

    Twitter:
    oh wow, Stasha, i’m so sorry you’re feeling this right now. :( this stings me a little, too, as i’m on the same one and done team. i really do not think you’re selfish for only wanting just your one and only… the love and attention you get to give your one and only? it’s priceless, IMO.
    christina recently posted..WW: Date night

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:38 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Christina. xo

  15. Posted March 1, 2012 at 06:42 by Tina | Permalink

    I think he’ll understand more than you think. He just might not like the answer ;) I dont understand why there is this huge mentality that if you only have one child then you are selfish. We don’t have kids yet, but at this point I’m thinking only one for me. (the hubby doesn’t agree…yikes!) I have a ton of reasons why…and they may be selfish, but that’s my choice!!
    Tina recently posted..My Photos

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:41 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Tina. Women should always be true to themselves or they will resent their choices and ultimately hurt their children more. It is just so hard when a child questions your choice. But I am sure tables might turn if he got his wish and did not like the change it brings…
      Your family is perfect already and I think you know it!

  16. Posted March 1, 2012 at 06:58 by my honest answer | Permalink

    Twitter:
    You’re not selfish, you are sensible! You made your decision for well-thought out reasons, I’m sure.

    Please don’t be swayed by your son. He is just a child. He knows not what he wishes for. He doesn’t truly understand what it would mean for him. He’s just seen other kids have a sibling, and so wants one. It doesn’t mean he -inhernetly- wants one, I promise.
    my honest answer recently posted..How to Spot a Jerk: Cheat Sheet

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:43 by Stasha | Permalink

      You are so right. This is what my left side of the brain says too. My right one just cries though…
      Thank you for taking the time to reason for me. I really need it xo

  17. Posted March 1, 2012 at 07:06 by [email protected] | Permalink

    Hugs Stasha (and a big heap of Aum, too).
    [email protected] recently posted..You Are Not Alone…But You Should Be!

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:51 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Aumy mama. Sometimes that is just what a girl needs. xo

  18. Posted March 1, 2012 at 07:15 by RoryBore | Permalink

    Twitter:
    I think this is the absolute one area where a woman is most definitely allowed to be selfish!

    and it’s not actually “real” selfishness — knowing the desires of your heart and having the courage to remain firm towards them — that’s just plain ole wisdom my friend.

    don’t worry about Little J — it’s a big concept for him right now, but he’ll understand later. and he’ll be just fine. I’m an only child.

    (did that frighten you? It was totally meant as encouragement ;)
    RoryBore recently posted..Poetry Workshop: Free Verse

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:50 by Stasha | Permalink

      Nope, you did not frighten me at all. I am an only child and I loved being one. In fact when my grandma was working me to give her more great grandkids, she brought it up. I asked her if she ever remembers me asking for a brother or sister. She had to admit all I ever asked for is a dog. Ten times , every day. They caved in after 7 years…

  19. Posted March 1, 2012 at 07:19 by Ado | Permalink

    Oh that’s a very tough one. I’m on the other end of your spectrum because I would have 4 more … if I could, but I can’t.
    Thank goodness for that tweed in your closet! (-:

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 10:47 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Ado. you are a star, really xo

  20. Posted March 1, 2012 at 11:03 by Runnermom-jen | Permalink

    Twitter:
    I don’t know what to tell you on this one, my friend. I’m the opposite. I wish I could have more babies. But that’s the great thing about all of us…we’re all different, and isn’t it wonderful we have a choice?
    Hug your Little J and maybe one day let him read this…he’ll know how MUCH you care. And, that’s not selfish at all.

  21. Posted March 1, 2012 at 11:07 by Kim Pugliano | Permalink

    Twitter:
    Oh my gosh Stasha, I get it. Noah has 2 half-brothers, so when Hot Joe and I married he saw it as an opportunity to have a FULL SIBLING. I keep explaining to him that we just want one prince because we can give more to one and besides, if I have a baby at my age then there would likely be TWO ‘special’ kids in the family and that’s a selfish decision. He doesn’t care. He’s TWELVE. He gets very mad. I understand your reasons. I understand your standing your ground but with the constant underlying pull to do it again. I always envied people who steadfastedly did NOT want kids or if they did, ONLY ONE without any doubts.

    Sometimes crying’s good. God, If I had another one I’d be crying twice as much!!!
    Kim Pugliano recently posted..Comment on He Just Left Me by Katie E

  22. Posted March 1, 2012 at 17:39 by Timber Doors | Permalink

    Maybe he will understand very soon, just explain to him very well or make other way to make his attention to have a brother or a sister will go away. Take him into more plays and soon he will forget to ask you that thing.
    Timber Doors recently posted..Timber Doors

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 22:39 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you so much, I really needed a bit of a pick me up. You are right, this too will pass.

  23. Posted March 1, 2012 at 18:34 by Rach (DonutsMama) | Permalink

    You’re not selfish at all. Not a bit. This is a personal decision and a difficult one. People who have 4 or 5 children aren’t necessarily less selfish. You know what you can handle and if you are happy with your family, you have nothing to apologize for.
    Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Monday Listicles: Class Dismissed

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 22:40 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you so much Rachel. I like what you said about parents of bigger families.

  24. Posted March 1, 2012 at 19:27 by Jamie | Permalink

    Twitter:
    Sometimes being the grown up totally blows. But you are and you are making the grown-up choices. And just like a grown-up you get to cry about it when it hurts. There is no selfishness about any of it.
    Jamie recently posted..it’s official

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 22:42 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Jamie. Grown up stuff does blow, specially when kids call you on it. And thank you for a beautiful card. I love getting mail!!!

  25. Posted March 1, 2012 at 21:47 by Bits of Bee | Permalink

    Twitter:
    I just read this now and I’m so sorry to hear that you were feeling so down. I don’t think you’re selfish at all, in fact you are quite the opposite. Little J is young, and I promise you, they will always ask for more. I have two and my eldest still begs for more babies. Families are all unique – each perfect in its own way. You are all happy and healthy and there is nothing more fantastic, more complete than that.
    Bits of Bee recently posted..#febphotoaday Photo Challenge

    • Posted March 1, 2012 at 22:43 by Stasha | Permalink

      I never thought about parents of two or more going through the same thing. But you are right. And thank you my friend!

  26. Posted March 2, 2012 at 08:39 by Shell | Permalink

    I don’t think that it makes you selfish at all. If one is the right number for you, then it’s right.

    Kids want siblings… til they have them. ;)
    Shell recently posted..Things They Can’t Say: My Time as Mom

    • Posted March 4, 2012 at 16:21 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Shell. I really enjoyed linking up with you.

  27. Posted March 2, 2012 at 11:36 by Natatalie | Permalink

    Twitter:
    He learns from the best! :)
    Natatalie recently posted..Life’s Lessons: The March Addition

  28. Posted March 3, 2012 at 07:14 by Lynellekw | Permalink

    Hello! I just surfed by your blog from somewhere else & read this post. The first thing I wanted to say is I have NO children – and I have plenty of reasons why we decided not to have children but no reason that we couldn’t. At the end of the day, my family felt complete already. At least I don’t have a four-year-old to try & explain that to, and my mother was accepting. My mother-in-law… well, let’s just say I’m glad one of her other sons came up with the goods & his wife produced grandchild #1 just yesterday. At the end of the day… it’s a choice you & your hubs have to make – I don’t think it’s any more selfish to say “I don’t want to have a child” than it is to say “I want to have a child”. And like others have said – he will move on, and kids always want more siblings.

    That wardrobe sounds like a good idea, though. Shame all I’ve got is clothes racks.

  29. Posted March 3, 2012 at 16:21 by Audrey | Permalink

    I struggled with this for a long time. I felt one was enough, and my husband wanted two. I gave in and figured what is one more. But if you are both in agreement that you are happy with the way it is, than that is how it should be. You are not being selfish.
    Audrey recently posted..Social Networking and Dr. Suess

  30. Posted March 3, 2012 at 16:40 by jacqui | Permalink

    Twitter:
    I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling sad, Stasha. I don’t think it makes you selfish at all. How many people can say their family is perfect just the way it is? How awesome is that?

    Little J is a very lucky and loved little boy. And he’ll grow into a great man because of all that luck and love. Hugs to you!
    jacqui recently posted..What You’re Wearing Now Is Fine…

    • Posted March 4, 2012 at 16:14 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you Jacqui. You are such a great Chick!!

  31. Posted March 4, 2012 at 09:57 by Amanda | Permalink

    Twitter:
    I don’t think your decision is a selfish one at all. What is best for you is best for your family, including little J. And he will have all the love, all the opportunities, and all the resources you can provide. Definitely not selfish. It sounds to me like your family is perfect as is.
    Amanda recently posted..February Favourites

    • Posted March 4, 2012 at 16:16 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you my lovely friend xo

  32. Posted March 4, 2012 at 11:45 by Leighann | Permalink

    I have so many things I want to say to you.
    You are such a wonderful mother and for you to have enough self awareness to understand that one child is what makes your family perfect that is incredible.
    Your son will be grateful when he is old enough to understand.
    Leighann recently posted..When your Child’s Classmate has a Peanut Allergy

  33. Posted March 4, 2012 at 14:37 by Jessica | Permalink

    Twitter:
    I don’t think it makes you selfish at all. This is the decision you and your husband made and one day J will understand that.
    Jessica recently posted..Things I Can’t Say

  34. Posted April 30, 2012 at 22:54 by Liz | Permalink

    Twitter:
    Saw your Twitter post and came over to read this. Coming from a Mum who has raised 4 children and grew up as one of 5 children, I always wanted a large family BUT I would never tell another Mumma that she should have more than what she chose… I wouldn’t even expect my own kids to follow my lead. My Bec (number 4) begged me for years to have another baby so she could have a little brother or sister
    The size of your family is a choice you make with your husband and you do what is best for you. You are a wonderful Mum to Little J and you make his life so rich with love, fun, laughter & experience. You are definitely not selfish and for you, your family is just perfect!! You, hubby, Little J & Max :)
    Liz recently posted..Project 366 Rewind {Week 15 & 16}… VERY late

    • Posted April 30, 2012 at 23:03 by Stasha | Permalink

      Thank you so much my friend. He has settled down a bit since. And it was around that time he chose Bruce so something was truly missing in his heart.
      And Max counts for at least two, right :)