I don’t cry often.
But lately I have been a bit sad. I even locked myself in the wardrobe the other day and hid under my tweed. Only for a minute, but it hurt. Specially cause I am the only cause.
My son has been pressing hard lately. Asking for a brother. He will even settle for a sister. If it is a boy, he will name him James. Girl? Maybe Sarah. No, he does not mind sharing the toys. Sure his brother can stay in his room. Yes, he understands that it would take time before his brother is born. Even longer before he is old enough to play with him. No, he has no problem sharing me with him. He will even help with diapers and stuff. Yes, he understands I have to talk to Daddy about it. He will talk to him about it when he comes back from work too…
In the beginning it was adorable. Then it became overwhelming. Now it just serves as a reminder how selfish I am.
I am not going to tell you a million reasons why I feel we made the right choice in having only one child. I will not pretend there is a single reason we should not have another one. I am fine with our decision and have never been afraid to voice it. Until now.
How do I brake my son’s heart? How do I tell him that for me he is all I ever wanted, ever dreamed of? How do I explain to him that even though I can promise to talk to Daddy about it I know our minds are made up. Not because we are stubborn, or unable, or not willing to give him the gift he so much desires. Only because to us our family is perfect just the way it is.
Does this make me selfish? For the first time in my life I think so.